When I finished the certificate program at HB, Uta Hagen gave each me a wrapped book, which I assumed was her important tome- Respect For Acting. Instead it was a copy of her cookbook. I should have realized it was a sign.
Certainly then, in my early 20s, I would never have even conceived of giving up show biz. It was my entire life; every breath was dedicated to The Theatre.
I never grew tired of the process & I loved the work. I had deep craving for the kind of attention & exaltation one can only achieve from performing on stage in front of a live audience.
But, walk away from it, I did. I could not endure more auditioning. After 35+ years, one would think that I would have been used to it, but I grew weary of putting myself out there. In my late 40s I found that I was no longer able to stomach, suffer or swallow the very possible humiliation of being rejected for being ME.
This feeling was more solidified with my auditions for Films & TV, but stage auditions held their own private abasement & humiliation. In TV & film work, I had started to feel an unfathomable mortification when entering a room of 50 stocky, bald, pugnacious men of my own age range. Casting directors seem to lack in any imagination & were seeking actors that looked exactly like the storyboard presented by the ad agency. Make no mistake… I loved doing commercials, it may be the happiest I have ever been as a performer, & I worked steadily in the 1980s & 1990s, but waiting in a room to do my audition thing with dozens of gentlemen that look much like me, became a special kind of hell for me.
Stage auditions really should have left me less scared, & for the most part this was true. To attempt to get a job in a play or a musical, an actor starts by doing a prepared monologue or 2 that contrast, & a song, usually for the director, but sometimes round #1 is for a casting director. In the 1970s-1990s I was up for that challenge. I always had audition pieces that I loved performing, so that even an audition felt like a roller coaster kick for my ego. I knew that my selections were atypical & unique & well suited. I was secure that I would not be boring anyone.
I actually had a good reputation for these auditions. I once had the chance to glance at my audition card, for a musical that I was up for, that stated: “a young, sexy Jimmy Durante”. I was happy with that assessment.
The beginning of the end for me was the practice of having to audition for directors that I had worked with before, in major roles, major roles where I was well reviewed by critics & well regarded by cast members. The straw that broke this camel’s back was a director, who I had done major, important work for, who made the following comment at a dinner party: “You would have been ultimately better in the role than Mr. X, but he just really nailed that audition.” I had never, ever sassed a director over being passed over, & yet I spilled out: “Really? I didn’t understand that it was audition as gladiators. For you, it wasn’t who would eventually be the brightest in the role, but who was left standing at the end of the day?”
I am fortunate to have done several dream roles: Elliott in Private Lives, Hysteriam in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum, Herr Shultz in Cabaret, LM in Pump Boys & Dinettes, in the cast of Side By Side By Sondheim, Henrik in A Little Night Music, Horace Vandergelder in Hello, Dolly!, & my own favorite- Fagin in Oliver!.
Your Host as Fagin in Oliver! (1978), photo provided by Brian who played the Artful Dodger, who found me via Facebook, as did the talented young man who played the title role.
Roles I dreamed of & never got the chance to play: Riff Raff in The Rocky Horror Show, Dr. Pengloss in Candide, Shylock, Malvolio, Caliban, & my most desired of all parts- Captain Hook.
I don’t believe in mucking around with copywrited work by living authors, but I was just a bit excited when I was about to be cast as Joanne (the Elaine Stritch role) in an all-male version of Company. The shows received a cease & desist from Stephen Sondheim before casting was even was completed. I agreed with Mr. Sondheim’s lawyers, but I could really taste that role & it would have been interesting to play a character so close to my personality in real life.
Am I retired forever? I believe I am, although this post started with a daydream about being on stage again. My favorite kind of role was always a supporting character in a musical, the sort of part that you spend a lot of time in the green room doing a crossword or playing cards, a character that has 3 or 4 really terrific scenes & one big crowd pleasing, bring the house down, musical number… less work, but more attention. As I consider this now, the role that will bring me out of retirement will be Mother Abbess in The Sound Of Music. I believe I may have been waiting my entire life to bring this character to life: a wise & patient old, but wise cracking, nun who has one of the all-time best Act One finales:
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