Hide Your Love Away... A Consideration On The Occasion Of the Birthday Of Brian Epstein

John Lennon: “I was on holiday with Brian Epstein in Spain, where the rumours went around that he & I were having a love affair. Well, it was almost a love affair, but not quite. It was never consummated. But it was a pretty intense relationship. It was my first experience with a homosexual that I was conscious was homosexual. He had admitted it to me. We had this holiday together because Cynthia was pregnant, & I went to Spain & there were lots of funny stories. We used to sit in a cafe in Torremolinos looking at all the boys and I'd say, 'Do you like that one, do you like this one?' I was rather enjoying the experience, thinking like a writer all the time: I am experiencing this, you know. Eppy just kept on & on at me, until one night, I finally just pulled me trousers down & said to him: ‘Oh, for Christ's sake, Brian, here, just stick it up me fucking arse then.'


He said to me, ‘Actually, John, I don't do that kind of thing. That's not what I like to do.’
"Well," I said, ‘what is it you like to do?’ & he said, ‘I'd really just like to touch you, John.’
& so I let him toss me off, & that was it... Yeah, so fucking what! He's having a fucking hard time anyway. So what harm did it do, for fuck's sake? No harm at all. The poor fucking bastard, he can't help the way he is.”


This Spanish holiday was later dramatized in the rather well done 1991 film- The Hours & Times, with David Angus & Ian Hart as Epstein & Lennon.

Brian Epstein certainly led an interesting life. Born during the depression in the 1930's, At the age of 16 he started working in his parent’s Liverpool department store & soon realized he was born to sell. His father promoted him to managing the record department, as the family business- "NEMS" expanded.


In December of 1961, Epstein assumed his role as Manager of the Beatles. After seeing them play at a Liverpool club in their leather jackets, smoking cigarettes & swearing on stage he immediately decided to change their image. Changing their look & stage presence, he purchased Mod Mohair suits for the boys, insisted on their signature haircuts & made a dogged effort to get them gigs.he sacked the drummer-Pete Best so that he could be replaced by Ringo.  He pitched The Beatles to the various record labels, determined to get them signed to a recording contract. After being rejected by Decca, among other labels he managed to get them signed with EMI. Initially The Beatles weren't completely confident or trustful of "Eppie", but through his hard work & devotion he earned their respect & admiration.

It was no secret that Brian Epstein was gay. In school he recalled being "ragged, nagged & bullied", & dropped out at the age of 16. He was drafted into the Army but after 10 months he was discharged for being "mentally unfit" afte once again being harassed & bullied. Epstein began pursuing his sexual interest in men. In 1956 he was arrested for propositioning several men in a subway lavatory, a victim of an undercover sting, pleading guilty Epstein was fined & released.

The Beatles knew that Epstein was gay. Although he was professional & a distinguished business man, his double life wasn't always as private as he wanted it to be. There were relentless rumors that Epstein was in love with John Lennon. Epstein was very attracted John's talent, his wittiness & his good looks. He was not able to look John in the eye when speaking with him for fear he would reveal his secret. Actually, John was completely aware of Epsteins's feelings toward him & was sometimes teased by his mates about "Eppie's" subtle advances. The gossip began.

Brian Epstein also managed Gerry & The Pacemakers & Cilla Black. He appeared on television a number of times, & hosted a regular slot on one of my favorite shows- Hullabaloo.


As The Beatles' career was soaring, Epstein found himself less involved in the routine daily operations. The Beatles empire was growing & Brian was no longer holding the key. Epstein was feeling insecure about his future with the boys, his contract was due to expire as manager, & he feared it would not be renewed. He would remain their manager until his death. He began a downward spiral, becoming depressed & driven by his drug addiction, he was drinking, gambling, tripping on LSD, & popping pills. Brian Epstein's lifestyle became more than he could handle.

When The Beatles went to India to meet the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in August 1967, it was the first time they had gone anywhere without Brian being in charge. Brian had seemed interested in what Maharishi had to offer, but it was a Bank Holiday weekend and he was committed to spending it with friends.The Beatles were like kids allowed to play without their nanny. John: "like going somewhere without your trousers on"

While in India, The Beatles received word that Brian Epstein, who was just 32, had died, disillusioned & alone from a drug overdose. The Beatles were devastated & in shock.  He was their friend, their enabler, their hero. He was irreplaceable. After Epstein's death The Beatles were like orphans, & that was when underlying tensions & resentments began to surface. John said it was the beginning of the end of The Beatles.John Lennon: "He was in love with me. It’s interesting & will make a nice Hollywood Babylon story someday about Brian Epstein’s sex life, but its irrelevant, absolutely irrelevant." Double Life/Double Fantasy, the secret was not buried with Brian Epstein.